Having to let go…

I never imagined having to let go of Noah.

Yes I imagined letting go on his first day of nursery, or school. I would have to let him go when he got married too. I imagined him growing up, I imagined watching him become a man. I imagined wiping away his tears as a baby, and telling him as a man that it is ok to cry. I imagined great things for him. Who wouldn’t for their child?

But I had to let go, before he even had a chance. Every milestone is a moment I will never get to see. Sometimes more often than not it makes me angry.

No I don’t always stay that way, but I feel it most of the time, and that’s ok.

It’s ok for me not to be ok all of the time. I buried my baby for God’s sake!!

It’s ok for me to be angry, sad, hurt and upset..

All those things are exactly what I’m feeling, the week before his 3rd birthday.

I see boys his age and I’m always shocked by how old and big they look.
I can’t imagine him like that. I can only see the tiny 2lb baby that he was.

I’m always looking at Madelyn and Maximus, wondering if he’d be the same. Madelyn’s hair when born was very dark,  just like Noah’s was, but hers has now turned quite fair. Would his have too?

There are so many things that I will never know, but will always think about and wonder about. But what I do know is that I’m getting out of bed every single morning, and have done for the last 3 years, even if it’s the last thing I’ve wanted to do. Sometimes that’s all I’ve been able to do, but I’ve done it, and I hope that makes Noah proud.

I’m doing my best, I really am. Some days though even that doesn’t feel like enough.
I miss him every second of every single day. I miss him more when I see Madelyn cooing over Maximus, and seeing her look at him adoringly.

It kills me to think that she and Max will never be doted upon by Noah the way she dotes upon Max.

I’m not really sure the purpose of this post but when I feel the need to write, I do, and in some weird way it makes me feel a little bit better, even if just for a little while, and even if nobody reads this.

I’m still here, life is just hectic!

Hi everyone, remember me?

So…it’s been 5 months since I last posted!! Wow, so much has happened since then…

Halloween, Bonfire night, and Christmas and New Year have all been and gone. Oh and we had a baby!!

Our third baby, our second rainbow baby, and our second baby boy.

Maximus Noah arrived on the 26th of October 2015 by planned c.section at 10:10am weighing a very healthy 8lb 7oz.

image

image

When most people have a baby they’re overwhelmed by a huge rush of love. I’m sad to say that this time it didn’t feel like that. Yes, I loved this little newborn baby, he was mine, of course I loved him.

But he didn’t feel like mine!!

I haven’t shared this with anyone other than Ben and a few others who have been through what we have (I wanted to ask them if what I was feeling was ‘normal’)

I didn’t get the huge rush of love when Maximus was born. It all happened so quickly.
We were chatting with the anaesthetic doctors who were sat next to me while the surgeons were at work. We were talking about music and Ed sheeran (his music was on in the theatre)
Next thing we knew we heard a cry and Maximus was there!! There was no emotional build up or anticipation like there was with Madelyn.

With her birth, my consultant delivered her, and she was talking me through every step of the way and even said “you’re about to become a mum again, here she is!” and it was wonderful.

With Maximus the surgeon stayed quiet and didn’t say a word.

When he was born the midwife filmed a little bit of it for us so we always have that to look back on. He was shown to us and quickly whisked away for his checks.
He had a very healthy set of lungs!

When he was brought back to me I held him immediately and of course I wanted to. It just felt different. Strange, surreal, like he wasn’t ours. I immediately had skin to skin and started breastfeeding while still in recovery.

To cut a bit of a long story short, when I was back on the post op ward I just couldn’t wait to see Madelyn. I didn’t want to hold the baby who was content and happily sleeping next to me. I just wanted to see my baby girl.

There was a reason for this, other than I just missed her. The day before I went in to have Maximus, Madelyn suffered a fit at home while laying on the bed with me.
It was one of the most terrifying moments of my life.

She stared blankly into space, wasn’t moving other than her arms jerking, she started foaming at the mouth, she didn’t blink, I couldn’t get a response from her, she started to turn white and then turned a horrible grayish blue and went silent.
I can’t even begin to explain how terrifying that was.

Even now I close my eyes and I see that look on her face. It will probably haunt me forever.

Ben was downstairs and his stepdad was working on our bathroom. I just started screaming and shaking Madelyn to come around (I didn’t know what I was supposed to do)
Of course she wasn’t responding, she was just foaming and dribbling a lot.
Ben’s stepdad came rushing in and took Madelyn from me while I was on the phone to the ambulance.

Say what you want about our NHS system but they were with us in less than 3 minutes.

While on the phone to them I was screaming for Ben, turned out he was in the back garden and hadn’t heard my screams. He came upstairs and took the phone from me as I couldn’t calm down and speak properly.

Madelyn was being held face down by Ben’s stepdad, when she seemed to come back to life.
She was totally delirious and crying uncontrollably, and her eyes were closed, but relief washed over me, she was breathing!!

The whole time she was silent I remember repeating over and over “I can’t bury another baby, is she going to be ok?”

When the paramedics arrived they told us to lay her down and strip her clothes off. She had a temperature of 41°c

She soon started shivering like crazy which, the paramedic told us, was her body’s way of cooling itself down.
Again I asked if she would be alright, and they explained that she would be fine and that these type of fits or seizures were usually triggered by a high temperature, caused by an infection.

We were confused because Madelyn had been fine in herself.

9.5 months pregnant I carried Madelyn into the ambulance (the paramedic offered but I was having none of it) and Ben followed us the the hospital in the car. She had already calmed down a bit and was only moaning slightly. We watched Peppa Pig on my phone while the paramedic asked me a few more questions.

I’m sorry, I thought I was supposed to be cutting a long story short.

Within half an hour of the seizure Madelyn seemed her usual self and was walking around the A&E department as if nothing had happened, munching on an apple.

image

It turned out she had a throat infection which was what caused her temperature to spike, causing the seizure.

We were at the hospital until 11pm, and then had to take her straight to my mum and dads for the night ready for me to go in to have Maximus the next morning.

It was awful. I cried leaving her and I didn’t sleep a wink. She however, slept the night away and was right as rain the next day.

Anyway, when Madelyn came to visit me in the hospital, she couldn’t have been less interested in the new baby. What did I expect really? She was 17 months old!
She soon got restless and Ben had to take her home. I was so upset.

My mum and dad came to visit me and to meet Maximus, as did my sisters, and my in-laws.
By the time visiting was over, I was shattered. I didn’t want to sleep though and I didn’t want to be in hospital.

I didn’t want to hold this little baby who was sleeping soundly next to me. Of course I did hold him when he needed feeding or comforting, but it wasn’t the same as when I had Madelyn. I  couldn’t leave her alone or put her down.

I was allowed home the following day, just 24 hours after surgery, very sore and uncomfortable, but I couldn’t wait to get home.

The first three days were horrible. I found myself only tending to Max if he needed me to, and spending all my other time with Madelyn.
I spoke to Ben and told him that I didn’t feel like Maximus was mine, but at the same time he looked just like his big brother Noah, and that made me feel like he was here to replace Noah. I even Googled Post Natal Depression, however I didn’t seem to have the symptoms.

I was so relieved when he admitted he felt the same.

It was strange though that after day 4 it was like something had lifted and I couldn’t wait to pick up my new baby. All I wanted to do was cuddle him and kiss him. I couldn’t explain the change in my mood. And Ben changed completely too.

It does upset me that Maximus does look a lot like Noah but at the same time it’s really nice, and comforting.

Ben went back to work after 3 weeks and I was dreading flying solo with two children under 18 months to look after.
Dare I say I found it quite easy.?
I really don’t know what I was so worried about.

Don’t get me wrong, most of the first few days, I couldn’t wait for Ben to get home, and I’ve lost count how many days I’ve counted down the hours until Madelyn’s bedtime.
It’s not always easy, but I’m doing it, and I’m proud of how well I’m doing it.

Maximus is three months old now and has a brilliant little personality already. He’s been smiling for a while now but the past few days he’s been laughing out loud. It’s adorable and the sweetest little thing.

image

image

Madelyn is learning more and more every day. She’s such a funny little girl now. She can say her numbers one to four. She knows lots of words and can put a few together. Her understanding of things is incredible. She’ll be Two in May. Where the hell has that time gone?

image

image

Noah will be Three in February, and I can’t believe how that is happening either. How has it been that long since I saw him last.
It all just feels like it was yesterday. I’m dreading it if I’m honest.

Just like I dreaded Christmas. Maximus’s first, Madelyn’s second and what should have been Noah’s third. It just didn’t feel like Christmas in our house. Madelyn understood a little bit more this year but not quite enough, and Max slept all day.
All I could think of was how much fun it would have been with a two and a half year old running wild and causing mayhem. It would have been so much fun. A total mess of wrapping paper and toys, but fun!

image

image

Christmas for us will never be the same. I’m sure it will become more enjoyable as each year goes on but Noah will always be missing and that will always make us sad.

Just after Christmas I started a little business venture for myself.
I’m creating personalised word prints and I’m enjoying every second so far.
If you’re on Facebook then please take a look at my page…

https://m.facebook.com/nmmpersonaltouchprints/

Anyway I think I’ve waffled on enough now, considering this was only going to be a quick update post.

Hope you’re all well and I’ll be back writing soon.

xXx

Peppa Pig World at Paultons Park

A few weeks ago we took Madelyn to Paultons Theme Park in Southampton to visit Peppa Pig World.

Lots of people told me that she would be too young to enjoy it, being only 14 months old. She loved it!

It was fantastic.  Ever since she’s been old enough to recognise characters and colours etc.. she has been obsessed with the little piggy and her friends.

It took us 2 hours to drive there from our home in South Wales but was a very straightforward drive and it was all very well signposted.

Parking was free and was very easy and accessible for prams, pushchairs and wheelchairs.

The park was absolutely spotless and again, everything was very well signposted.

Something I saw, that I haven’t seen before at any other theme park, although I’m sure they have it in place, was “Lost Children” stickers.

There was a machine where you could get stickers from and a pen to write your contact details on, should your child wander off, or get lost in the hustle and bustle of the crowds.
Such a good idea!!

Paultons Park itself has some lovely garden areas to explore, and some picnic benches for lunch. They also have a fairly big sand play area with swings, slides and climbing frames, which was very busy with lots of children clearly enjoying themselves. We didn’t get time to walk around the gardens as we headed straight into Peppa Pig World.

Madelyn’s face was an absolute picture when she saw the sign.

We call Ben Daddy Pig, so whenever she sees anything peppa related she gets excited and shouts “dad dad” over and over. She’s just started to say “peppa pig” too. It’s adorable.

We took her out of her pushchair and let her walk into Peppa Pig World on her own. Following close behind of course. She was so excited she didn’t know where to walk or look first.

Being the second week of the school summer holidays there was a fair number of people there. Despite this, the queue times for the rides were great.

We first went into Peppa Pigs House and the wait time for that was less than 5 minutes. This wasn’t puschair accessible and you had to use stairs to enter and exit.  People were leaving their prams/pushchairs outside each attraction and they seemed safe enough to leave. Although we made sure to take our valuables with us.

The first ride we went on was Daddy Pigs Car Ride. The queue for this was 25 minutes. This was the longest we queued for all day. The queuing area was still interesting for the little ones and you could see the car ride happening while waiting for your turn.

Madelyn absolutely loved this ride and she enjoyed turning the steering wheel, pretending to drive.

Although this was only the first ride for us we decided to have some lunch as it was getting close to 12 o’clock.

I can’t comment on the food quality or prices as we took our own packed lunches. We did buy two bottles of Pepsi and these were a reasonable £1.80 each.  Daddy’s Big Tummy Cafe looked very busy with lots of people enjoying food, drinks and cakes.

The toilets and baby changing facilities were well equipped and absolutely spotless.

After lunch we ventured in a huge soft play area for the little ones but this was very very busy so we didn’t actually use it. It looked like so much fun though and had it been quieter, we would definitely had let Madelyn have a run around. She’s still so dainty and although there is a toddler section, there can be some very boisterous 2 & 3 years olds having so much fun that they wouldn’t even notice knocking her over, and I’d rather she didn’t get hurt. So off we went for more rides.

One thing I did note was that children needed to be wearing socks to enter the soft play. So if it’s a hot day and your little ones are wearing sandals, jelly shoes etc then just take some extra socks with you. Disposable socks were also available to buy at £1.50 per pair.

The next ride we went on was Grandpa Pigs Boat Ride. The queue was very small and it was only around a five minute wait. While we were in the queue the ride stopped working, just as the next lot of excited kiddies (and adults) had taken their seats. They needed to leave the ride and the young man manning the attraction had leave to get someone to help. He was back within five minutes and the ride was going again. What I thought was a lovely touch was, the people who were made to leave the ride were able to go straight back on infront of everyone else waiting, rather than having to walk all the way back around and rejoin the queue. This went down well with the parents. It really is the little things isn’t it?

The ride itself was brilliant and Madelyn really enjoyed it. We did get splashed on but it was very little as it isn’t exactly a huge water ride. Lots of fun though.

We also went on Peppas Big Balloon Ride, Windy Castle and Miss Rabbits Helicopter Ride. Again, despite it being the summer holidays the queuing times were great. No longer than 10 minutes.

image

The park opens at 10am so as the afternoon got on you could see that it was getting noticeably quieter. I think the majority of people get there for first thing and head off around 3pm ish. That’s what we did. That was more than enough time to have a lovely walk around, enjoy the attractions, have some luch and meet and have pictures taken with the characters.

Mummy & Daddy Pig were in the park for photo opportunities and they were great at interacting with all the children and even the adults. While Peppa & George were on a veranda so you couldn’t actually get up close and personal but you we close enough to see them properly and to get some photographs.  There was a specific time table for the characters but I didn’t actually note what there were. They are clearly posted for vistors to see though.

Madelyn loved seeing the characters and laughed her head off.  We were slightly worried that she’d be scared and start crying, as prior to having our own children we’d been to childrens birthday parties with mascots and characters and most children have gotten upset or scared. It’s probably the sheer size of them next to a teeny toddler.

image

We also had a play in Mr Potatoes Playground. This was brilliant. Plenty to do for children of all ages. Lots of slides, climbing frames, tunnels and swings. 

image

image

Inside the playground is also “Muddy Puddles”. This was a splash area with little fountains and lots of water.  The weather wasn’t fantastic so we didn’t take swimwear for Madelyn. There were a few children taking advantage of the water though and having lots of fun. I imagine on a hot day this would go down a treat. Even with adults too.

All in all we had a fantastic day out, and if you can make the most of Paultons Park itself too then it is definitely money well spent. Madelyn had already had more than enough by the time we’d finished in Peppa Pig World, so we didn’t get to take advantage of the other rides and attractions. It was free entry for Madelyn as it is for all children under 1 meter in height and it was £25 each for myself and Ben.

A few people I mentioned this to said that it was expensive but the look on Madelyn’s face was absolutely priceless, and we enjoyed ourselves just as much. It can be as expensive as you make it. They have a large gift shop which we steered clear from, mainly to restrain ourselves, especially with baby number 3 on the way. Although I’m sure we could have spent a small fortune.

If you’re thinking of heading to Paultons Park/Peppa Pig World, then I’d definitely recommend it and will definitely be going back again when Madelyn is a little bit older.

Our holiday and baby #3 progress

We went on our first little family ( -1) holiday at the end of June.

Only in this country but it was lovely all the same. We had some really good weather. A friend of mine has a caravan in west wales only 15 minutes away from Saundersfoot and 25 minutes away from Tenby. Both places have beautiful beaches. We rented the caravan from Thursday to Monday.

Madelyn absolutely loved the beach. Although I was anxious with it being her first time. You always hear about babies not liking beaches because of the feel of the sand under their feet.

image

While the holiday was packed with activity and we got lots done, it never took more than a moment for my thoughs to stray to Noah.

Would he like the sand?

He should have been sat there with us building sandcastles, eating ice cream and feeding the animals at the farm.

image

It was lovely to see Madelyn doing all these things but my heart broke thinking that Noah should have been there doing it with us.

It upset me to watch Madelyn running off towards the water with her Daddy. I cried that I’ll never get to see Noah doing that.
I cried a lot while away. All for him.

All Madelyn’s firsts should be his too. And we’ve missed out on every single one of them. Life sucks!!!

image

image

We made sure to pay him a visit as soon as we got home. We told him all about Madelyn enjoying herself and all about his new baby brother who would be coming along soon.

image

Noah’s new baby brother is still happily and healthy growing inside me.

I had a growth scan at 22 weeks and 5 days at my consultants request.

This should have been done at 24 weeks but she wasn’t available then.
The scan was perfect. Everything looked great. We saw a very active little baby kicking around, and he was estimated to have weighed 1lb 2oz.

The appointment was so nerve wracking. It was the first once since we’d lost Noah that Ben was unable to attend. I didn’t ask anyone else to come with me, but I took Madelyn. She was a nice distraction and so well behaved.

When the midwife called me in, I noticed straight away that it was the one who had given us the news that Noah was so poorly, the morning I’d gone in to be monitored. I don’t think she recognised me, but everything she said to me that morning came flooding back as she led me to the exact same room too.

Damn!! Now I wanted Ben to be there more than ever.

Getting onto that bed again, in that room, with that midwife, I was just expecting bad news! Again!
It was awful.

But as I said Madelyn was a welcome distraction and she was sat in her pram next to my bed, so I looked at her instead of the scan screen.  She was so well behaved and seemed fascinated by the scan, so this did allow me to look, although I didn’t really want to.

The midwife was silent while she completed her checks, and it felt like the longest 10 minutes ever.

As soon as she told me that everything looked great, I had a little cry. With relief I think, and also sadness for Noah that it wasn’t the same outcome for him when I was last in that room. 
She explained that I’d be seeing her for all of my growth scans and they’d all be in that room.

I need to gear myself up for this now for my next appointment on the 10th August.
At least Ben will be there for that one.

The midwife printed a few pictures of the baby for me, which I wasn’t expecting at all.
They were lovely. A nice little surprise that made me smile.
Walking out of that appointment knowing everything was going well was a nice feeling.

image

After suffering a loss, that nice feeling only lasts a few minutes, maybe hours. Then it’s back to fear, anxiety and constant worry until the next appointment. I’m 99.9% sure that any other parents pregnant after loss would agree with me on that.

I have been seeing my midwife regularly since then, and all has been fine with my blood pressure. My next growth scan is now only a few weeks away. Obviously I’m scared stiff, the same as I am before any appointment, but I’m taking comfort in the fact that I’m getting lots of movements now, even with my anterior placenta.

Pregnancy is not an easy journey. Especially after suffering a loss of any kind. I’m still so envious of people when I hear their news and announcements. It makes me angry that I will never have a worry free pregnancy.
However, having said that I’m extremely grateful that I can be pregnant and have children, as I know so many who are not that fortunate, and who need long, emotional and painful treatments to only possibly get the result they want.

So on that note I want to send a huge hug and lots of love to my friends and anyone else who may be reading, who are sadly suffering from the cruelty that is infertility, or illnesses preventing them from having or extending their beautiful families.

You are all amazing!

And finally to those angel mum friends who are desperate for their rainbow babies, I hope you get the news you so desperately want, very soon.

My 20 Week Scan

So on the 10th June I had my appointment for the 20 week anomaly scan. I was a nervous wreck. I was so desperate to hear that everything was ok, that it made me anxious thinking that there very well could be something wrong. I didn’t even care if they could tell us the sex of the baby or not. That’s not what this scan was about, like a lot of people think. If they could tell us the sex then it would be a bonus.

We arrived 15 minutes before my appointment time, and already I felt like my bladder was fit to burst. I didn’t feel like I’d had enough water though, so I carried on drinking.  I was so relieved that they called me in earlier than my appointment time. This rarely happens.

A girl I went to school with works in the Radiology department, and she called me in.  She asked if I was comfortable with her being there, or if I wanted somebody else as she would be the one taking all the notes and recordings from the scan.  I thought this was lovely of her to ask, but I really didn’t mind.  She also told me that she’d explained to the sonographer about my history with Noah, and that I’d be feeling anxious.
I was very grateful for that as I knew it would stop the inevitable question of “is this your first baby?”

I hate that question. I never know how I will react. Two years and 4 months on and I can still break down in tears at just hearing it.  Sometimes I can respond and explain all about Noah and be absolutely fine, my heart still hurts, but I’m ok. Other times, I completely lose control and can’t hold in the tears any longer. 

At one appointment I even got up and walked out of the room and said to the midwife “read my notes first like you’re supposed to do, and then call me back in”.

I was just so sick of them making me answer this question at every appointment just because they hadn’t bothered to read my notes before calling me into their room. I was so sick of them making me upset.

My notes even have FOUR ‘Count The Kicks’ stickers on them, clearly stating that I have had a previous Neonatal Death. These still get completely overlooked and I’m still asked the question 😐
It’s so frustrating, it’s annoying, it’s upsetting, and if I’m being completely honest, its just pure laziness on their part!!

Anyway, where was I..?

My Scan.
The sonographer introduced herself to me and Ben and explained that this would be quite an invasive scan and that it could take up to 40 minutes, and that I may even need to come back on another day if they couldn’t check everything that needed to be checked.

We of course already knew this having been in this exact room, in this position twice before.

The scan went well and they were happy with what they saw. 
They explained that they aim to pick up between 40 and 80% of any abnormalities but nothing was 100% certain. They were confident though that all looked well, and more importantly, healthy!

The sonographer asked if we wanted to know the gender. We told her we did.

“It’s a little boy!”

I felt sick, like someone had kicked me full force in the stomach, and it wasn’t the little baby growing inside me.
I was just hit with fear that the same thing would happen again. The same thing that had happened with Noah, was going to happen again.

The sonographer’s voice disturbed me from my thoughts… “We can’t say it’s 100% accurate but I don’t see many girls with a little willy like that” and she showed us it on the screen. This did make me laugh a little.

I was cleaned up and we were given some scan photos and we left.  As soon as the door was closed, I broke down into Ben’s arms.

Another little boy. Although I’d been secretly hoping it was a little boy, I was scared. I felt like he would be replacing Noah, because he is my little boy. I didn’t want another one, I just wanted him back. As harsh as that sounds towards the new baby, it was just how I felt. I couldn’t help it.  I’d felt the same way when I found out Madelyn was a girl.

That day was an emotional one but I busied myself and took Madelyn swimming with a friend from Waterbabies. Ben unfortunately, had to go back to work.

What did cheer me up and make me feel better was some of the comments I received after spreading the news to family and some close friends.

“Aww another little boy, how wonderful.”

“Now Madelyn has a big brother and a little brother.”

I like that people were still acknowledging Noah, and the fact he is very much real and does exist. Just because he isn’t physically here with us, doesn’t mean that he isn’t real.

I’ve had a few comments along the lines of “Oh so now you will have one of each, how lovely” or “Aww Madelyn will have a brother now”.

These comments have upset and annoyed me. Especially when they’ve come from people who know me quite well, know my pregnancy history, and know full well that we had Noah before we had Madelyn.  I appreciate that some people just don’t think but I wish they would sometimes. It’s not hard to do.

Since my 20 week scan I have seen my consultant, who has agreed to regular growth scans every 3 weeks starting at 24 weeks. My first one being on July the 2nd. I am also seeing my midwife every 2 weeks to have my blood pressure and urine monitored.

I was also given a date for my c.section which is the 26th October. It’s crazy and surreal to know that this will be my baby’s birthday. Just as long as I don’t go into labour naturally that is 😨

My consultant explained that as my section isn’t booked until 39 weeks there is still quite obviously a chance that I could go into labour. If this is the case then I will need to go into hospital straight away for an emergency delivery via c.section.

image

Our 3rd baby, our 2nd rainbow baby and our 2nd boy 👶

Pregnancy Number 3 Progress

So I told you I’d keep you posted on this pregnancy journey so here goes….

Knowing from my previous pregnancies that the first stage was to make an appointment with my GP who would put me in touch with the midwife at the clinic, I again skipped this step and went to the clinic myself.

I was gutted to find out that my midwife from my pregnancies with Noah and Madelyn had left.  I’d now have to explain my history with Noah and explain why I wanted to be seen so often for my own peace of mind.

Seeing as I was less than 4 weeks the midwife told me to make another appointment for a few weeks time.

As soon as I got home I contacted the Early Pregnancy Assessment Unit (EPAU) and explained a little about my situation and that I was told to have a scan at 6 weeks and they gave me a date to go in. 16th March at 9am.

While waiting for the scan at EPAU I was feeling indifferent about being pregnant, even though it was what I wanted.  Sickness had kicked in already though so there was no mistaking that I was definitely pregnant.

I was called in to the scanning room and got onto the bed. I’d been in this position plenty of times before so knew exactly what to do. As I pulled up my top the sonographer got straight to it and there on the screen in black and white was a little blob with a flickering heartbeat. That little blob was our baby. Our third baby. I was so pleased everything was ok but I still felt a little indifferent.

A few weeks went by and all the sickness and extreme tiredness I had been suffering from just completely disappeared. Literally overnight. I told Ben that I just didn’t feel pregnant anymore. My boobs were no longer sore, not in the slightest, and they’d been so painful only days before.

At around 10 weeks I still couldn’t shake the feeling that something had gone wrong.  Working in the pathology lab I took advantage and got my own blood tests done for a HCG level.  A HCG level checks the levels of pregnancy hormones in your body.  The levels are supposed to at least double every 48/72 hours.

I can’t remember the exact number of my results but 3 days later I tested again, expecting them to have risen.
They had dropped by more than 600. This drop in only 3 days didn’t seem right so I had a word with one of our Dr’s on duty. She said she wouldn’t have expected it to have dropped that much in that time. She looked concerned. That made me feel scared. I was sure that I’d suffered from a silent miscarriage.

I contacted the EPAU and explained about my loss of symptoms and my decreasing HCG levels. They told me that from 8-10 weeks onwards the levels can drop as the placenta is fully formed and takes over.  Because I wasn’t experiencing any pain, cramping or bleeding they couldn’t see me as an emergency but could get me in for a scan on Tuesday.  It was Friday. I had an agonising 4 day wait over the weekend, trying to stay as positive as possible.  This was hard when all I could do was think about it.  I was constantly googling “drop in hcg levels” or “normal levels of hcg at 10 weeks”.  It drove me mad. Google is the absolute devil if you think there’s something wrong with yourself. 
However, I took comfort in the fact that I wasn’t bleeding or cramping at all and that my sickness seemed to have returned.

Tuesday came and my appointment was 11am.  I work at 9am on a Tuesday so I went in as normal, spoke to my boss and left for my appointment when I needed to.

The EPAU was full of patients and they only have a tiny waiting area.  Ben and I stood in the corridor, but I wish we hadn’t.  We were stood opposite the ultrasound scanning room and the three women in front of me all came out in tears and went into the Dr’s room. 

I knew this was bad news for them and couldn’t help getting upset. 
The consultant I’d had with Madelyn walked passed and spoke to us and she asked about Madelyn and if everything was ok. I thought it was lovely that she remembered us after almost a year and what must be hundreds of patients for her. 
I explained about my HCG and even she replied with “Oh!”
This just frightened me even more.  As she left she wished us good luck and said she’d hope to be seeing us soon. 

I hoped so too!!

I was finally called in almost two hours after my appointment time.  I cried as soon as I got onto the bed, and I couldn’t stop. Ben gripped my hand.  Then the sonographer smiled and gave my arm a little squeeze. She squirted that horrible cold gel onto my stomach and started scanning. I couldn’t look at the screen, I was staring at the celing, blubbing.

Within seconds of touching my stomach she smiled and said “ooh this little one has grown” (It was the same sonographer who did my scan at 6 weeks).  I cried even more. Actually I was sobbing and inbetween sobs managed to blurt out “Thank God” 

I was an emotional mess.
I was measuring 11 weeks.

At this point I felt like I could finally start to relax a little, and when I went back into work a few people asked where I had been, so I told them the news. I didn’t make an announcement but to the people who asked, I told.

The next week was my 12 week scan.  The day after my birthday. I couldn’t wait but I was also still a nervous wreck. I was called in almost an hour and a half after my appointment time. I was in absolute agony with my bladder fit to burst, so much so that I was on the verge of tears.

The sonographer checked for a heartbeat and then allowed me to use the toilet. She then continued the examination and all looked good.  The baby measured 12 weeks and 5 days.  Giving us an estimated delivery date of October 31st 2015. 
Will it be a little witch or a little wizard?!

Having had an emergency cesarean section with Noah and a planned section with Madelyn, I knew it would be advised for this baby to also be delivered by cesarean.  This is fine with me.  As long as my baby is born healthy I don’t care how he or she gets here.

This means that I will be booked to have the operation to deliver the baby either 1 or 2 weeks before my estimated due date.  Therefore, no halloween baby!

I’ve also had my first appointment with my consultants clinic, although I didn’t actually get to see her, I saw her registrar.  She went over my general health and wellbeing and took my blood pressure, checked my urine and listened for babies heartbeat.

She couldn’t find it!!

I was laying on that bed for what seemed like forever and she was not having any luck picking up the babies heartbeat. I was starting to panic, especially since my midwife had found it the week before at just 14 weeks, and it looked like she was starting to panic too.  However she did say that she could hear a lot of placenta noise so she gave me a quick scan for reassurance.

Sure enough there was my placenta right at the front!! Baby was absolutely fine, kicking and squirming around, with a perfect little heartbeat of 150pm.

The registrar told me that having a placenta at the front is called an anterior placenta and it isn’t dangerous. It just means it will take me longer to feel movements and kicks as the placenta is in the way, therefore cushioning the movements.

I have felt some minor movements and slight kicking and I’d forgotten what an amazing feeling it is. It’s a wonderful experience.

My 20 week anomaly scan is now next week on the 10th of June, so I will report back after that for anyone that actually reads this. Let me know if you do.  Not that I do this for that reason. It just really helps to get all my feelings and experiences written down.

A Bad Day

Yesterday was a pretty bad day.
But i doubt anyone could tell.

It started at 6am when Madelyn woke up, an hour earlier than usual. The sound of her talking and laughing to herself is adorable but I was so so exhausted I didn’t want to get out of bed. I felt drained. So tired I could have cried.

Pregnancy tiredness has hit me pretty hard the past two weeks. I’m wondering now if my Iron levels may be low. I’ll get this checked tomorrow.

Anyway we got up, had a change of nappy, some milk and a little play before going downstairs for breakfast.
As i was pouring Madelyn’s cereal I was hit with what I can only describe as overwhelming guilt.

I should be making breakfast for Noah too. I wondered if he’d like Shreddies just as much as she does.

That thought, along with watching her happily eating her breakfast, turned me into an emotional mess.
I put her in her bedroom to play, once she’d finished eating, and jumped in the shower and cried and cried.

When I’d finished showering Madelyn was tired so I put her down for a sleep. She was out in 10 minutes. I went back to my room to finish getting myself sorted for the day. I sat at my dressing table, looked in the mirror and just cried and cried.

So much so that I made myself sick. This went on for 20 minutes.

Why did it hurt so much today? It wasn’t an anniversary or a birthday, but I just couldn’t stop the tears from pouring down my face.

I finally pulled myself together and put on some make up. I needed to go out. So when Madelyn was awake we picked up my sister and off we went to run some errands.
I even had my eyebrows waxed.

To look at me you would never have known the state I was in only a few hours earlier.

I’ve become an expert at slapping on a face and pretending all is ok.
I know how to hold it together in front of my loved ones. I don’t want to upset them.

On the occasions that I can no longer hold it in, it’s usually while I’m at work or out with friends. I always feel so awful afterwards for making them uncomfortable.
However, at home with Ben, the tears flow freely as and when they need to.
I know he feels the same and I feel better for talking to him about it and getting it off my chest.

Later in the evening I went out with some friends that I’d met since having Madelyn. It was a lovely evening and we had lots of giggles, some delicious food, talked all things baby, and put the world to rights.
I really did have a great time.

Again though, I’d slapped on some make up and attempted to make myself look half decent. To look at me you would never have guessed how I was feeling or how I was that morning.

You would never have known how broken I was and still am.

The broken heart of a mother living without her child is completely irreplaceable, just like the child she is greiving for.