Hi everyone, remember me?
So…it’s been 5 months since I last posted!! Wow, so much has happened since then…
Halloween, Bonfire night, and Christmas and New Year have all been and gone. Oh and we had a baby!!
Our third baby, our second rainbow baby, and our second baby boy.
Maximus Noah arrived on the 26th of October 2015 by planned c.section at 10:10am weighing a very healthy 8lb 7oz.
When most people have a baby they’re overwhelmed by a huge rush of love. I’m sad to say that this time it didn’t feel like that. Yes, I loved this little newborn baby, he was mine, of course I loved him.
But he didn’t feel like mine!!
I haven’t shared this with anyone other than Ben and a few others who have been through what we have (I wanted to ask them if what I was feeling was ‘normal’)
I didn’t get the huge rush of love when Maximus was born. It all happened so quickly.
We were chatting with the anaesthetic doctors who were sat next to me while the surgeons were at work. We were talking about music and Ed sheeran (his music was on in the theatre)
Next thing we knew we heard a cry and Maximus was there!! There was no emotional build up or anticipation like there was with Madelyn.
With her birth, my consultant delivered her, and she was talking me through every step of the way and even said “you’re about to become a mum again, here she is!” and it was wonderful.
With Maximus the surgeon stayed quiet and didn’t say a word.
When he was born the midwife filmed a little bit of it for us so we always have that to look back on. He was shown to us and quickly whisked away for his checks.
He had a very healthy set of lungs!
When he was brought back to me I held him immediately and of course I wanted to. It just felt different. Strange, surreal, like he wasn’t ours. I immediately had skin to skin and started breastfeeding while still in recovery.
To cut a bit of a long story short, when I was back on the post op ward I just couldn’t wait to see Madelyn. I didn’t want to hold the baby who was content and happily sleeping next to me. I just wanted to see my baby girl.
There was a reason for this, other than I just missed her. The day before I went in to have Maximus, Madelyn suffered a fit at home while laying on the bed with me.
It was one of the most terrifying moments of my life.
She stared blankly into space, wasn’t moving other than her arms jerking, she started foaming at the mouth, she didn’t blink, I couldn’t get a response from her, she started to turn white and then turned a horrible grayish blue and went silent.
I can’t even begin to explain how terrifying that was.
Even now I close my eyes and I see that look on her face. It will probably haunt me forever.
Ben was downstairs and his stepdad was working on our bathroom. I just started screaming and shaking Madelyn to come around (I didn’t know what I was supposed to do)
Of course she wasn’t responding, she was just foaming and dribbling a lot.
Ben’s stepdad came rushing in and took Madelyn from me while I was on the phone to the ambulance.
Say what you want about our NHS system but they were with us in less than 3 minutes.
While on the phone to them I was screaming for Ben, turned out he was in the back garden and hadn’t heard my screams. He came upstairs and took the phone from me as I couldn’t calm down and speak properly.
Madelyn was being held face down by Ben’s stepdad, when she seemed to come back to life.
She was totally delirious and crying uncontrollably, and her eyes were closed, but relief washed over me, she was breathing!!
The whole time she was silent I remember repeating over and over “I can’t bury another baby, is she going to be ok?”
When the paramedics arrived they told us to lay her down and strip her clothes off. She had a temperature of 41°c
She soon started shivering like crazy which, the paramedic told us, was her body’s way of cooling itself down.
Again I asked if she would be alright, and they explained that she would be fine and that these type of fits or seizures were usually triggered by a high temperature, caused by an infection.
We were confused because Madelyn had been fine in herself.
9.5 months pregnant I carried Madelyn into the ambulance (the paramedic offered but I was having none of it) and Ben followed us the the hospital in the car. She had already calmed down a bit and was only moaning slightly. We watched Peppa Pig on my phone while the paramedic asked me a few more questions.
I’m sorry, I thought I was supposed to be cutting a long story short.
Within half an hour of the seizure Madelyn seemed her usual self and was walking around the A&E department as if nothing had happened, munching on an apple.
It turned out she had a throat infection which was what caused her temperature to spike, causing the seizure.
We were at the hospital until 11pm, and then had to take her straight to my mum and dads for the night ready for me to go in to have Maximus the next morning.
It was awful. I cried leaving her and I didn’t sleep a wink. She however, slept the night away and was right as rain the next day.
Anyway, when Madelyn came to visit me in the hospital, she couldn’t have been less interested in the new baby. What did I expect really? She was 17 months old!
She soon got restless and Ben had to take her home. I was so upset.
My mum and dad came to visit me and to meet Maximus, as did my sisters, and my in-laws.
By the time visiting was over, I was shattered. I didn’t want to sleep though and I didn’t want to be in hospital.
I didn’t want to hold this little baby who was sleeping soundly next to me. Of course I did hold him when he needed feeding or comforting, but it wasn’t the same as when I had Madelyn. I couldn’t leave her alone or put her down.
I was allowed home the following day, just 24 hours after surgery, very sore and uncomfortable, but I couldn’t wait to get home.
The first three days were horrible. I found myself only tending to Max if he needed me to, and spending all my other time with Madelyn.
I spoke to Ben and told him that I didn’t feel like Maximus was mine, but at the same time he looked just like his big brother Noah, and that made me feel like he was here to replace Noah. I even Googled Post Natal Depression, however I didn’t seem to have the symptoms.
I was so relieved when he admitted he felt the same.
It was strange though that after day 4 it was like something had lifted and I couldn’t wait to pick up my new baby. All I wanted to do was cuddle him and kiss him. I couldn’t explain the change in my mood. And Ben changed completely too.
It does upset me that Maximus does look a lot like Noah but at the same time it’s really nice, and comforting.
Ben went back to work after 3 weeks and I was dreading flying solo with two children under 18 months to look after.
Dare I say I found it quite easy.?
I really don’t know what I was so worried about.
Don’t get me wrong, most of the first few days, I couldn’t wait for Ben to get home, and I’ve lost count how many days I’ve counted down the hours until Madelyn’s bedtime.
It’s not always easy, but I’m doing it, and I’m proud of how well I’m doing it.
Maximus is three months old now and has a brilliant little personality already. He’s been smiling for a while now but the past few days he’s been laughing out loud. It’s adorable and the sweetest little thing.
Madelyn is learning more and more every day. She’s such a funny little girl now. She can say her numbers one to four. She knows lots of words and can put a few together. Her understanding of things is incredible. She’ll be Two in May. Where the hell has that time gone?
Noah will be Three in February, and I can’t believe how that is happening either. How has it been that long since I saw him last.
It all just feels like it was yesterday. I’m dreading it if I’m honest.
Just like I dreaded Christmas. Maximus’s first, Madelyn’s second and what should have been Noah’s third. It just didn’t feel like Christmas in our house. Madelyn understood a little bit more this year but not quite enough, and Max slept all day.
All I could think of was how much fun it would have been with a two and a half year old running wild and causing mayhem. It would have been so much fun. A total mess of wrapping paper and toys, but fun!
Christmas for us will never be the same. I’m sure it will become more enjoyable as each year goes on but Noah will always be missing and that will always make us sad.
Just after Christmas I started a little business venture for myself.
I’m creating personalised word prints and I’m enjoying every second so far.
If you’re on Facebook then please take a look at my page…
Anyway I think I’ve waffled on enough now, considering this was only going to be a quick update post.
Hope you’re all well and I’ll be back writing soon.